Things I Jizz At

Cover'ed with jizz!

2010-03-16T10:52:00.001-04:00

I have long expressed my undying love for The Onion AV Club and their awesome writers and thoughtful features as well as The Hater, who is my pop culture soul mate. Well, now they have come up with a fun fun project - 25 bands covering 25 songs and it kicked off with Ted Leo!

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists cover Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"

Oscars mini jizz/reverse-jizz

2010-03-08T11:45:00.002-05:00

Another year, another Oscars! This year, the big winner was Sandy Bullock! Even if she had lost the Oscar, she would still have been the big winner, because she looked stunning and carried herself with humility and grace in a year when both were lacking (I'm talking to you, snooty "I've already won twice" costume designer!).

Other jizzes went to Vera Farmiga, Oprah Winfrey, Gabby Sidibe, Rachel McAdams, Neil Patrick Harris, George Clooney, and the always glorious Meryl for looking like they were having a good time!

Reverse-jizzes go to Kristen Stewart, who despite looking pretty for a change, still managed to look bored and put-upon when presenting the horror movie montage. Molly Ringwald was fairly terrifying, and whoever spray-tanned SJP should be taken out and shot!

Alec Baldwin & Steve Martin with a little help from Neil Patrick Harris made a nice, easy-going Oscar ceremony, but the awkward "no you're the best" presentations for the big awards just made me uncomfortable. Even though, Gabby Sidibe must've felt like she won all of the Oscars after the speech Oprah gave!

Also, major Jizz to Kathryn Bigelow, who despite wearing a not-so-good dress, made a great movie and showed up her ex-husband in a year when that seemed impossible! I was excited even though it lost me $95 in my Oscar pool!

For photos & more commentary, read the Fug Girls!

Jizzie Bauer

2010-01-04T10:42:00.003-05:00

Who knew mom clothes could be so awesome?! Well, my friends, I am now a believer! Apparently, being in your 30s means you can admit things like "I am petite" and "Maybe my grandmother was on to something" when it comes to clothes and shoes!

Big sale happening now & the outlets are awesome.

Biggest Loser Jizz-loss Yoga!

2009-12-10T12:32:00.002-05:00

For those times in your life when you're feeling a little sluggish, Bob is there to help you sweat it out!

Patton Oswalt's Christmas Shoes

2009-12-01T18:47:00.001-05:00

Watch this hilarious Patton Oswalt comedy bit cleverly animated to be just perfect for TIJA this holiday season!

A long dry spell . . .

2009-11-19T14:09:00.002-05:00

TIJA compadre, the Kronic and I have been a little lax in our jizz updates due to an insane October and early November, but the holiday season is upon us and we are serving our Thanksgiving turkeys with a warm spurt of thankfulness!

Kronic is going to shank her valiant attempt at the "South Beach" diet in thankfulness for Trader Joe's Peppermint Bark.

I am thankful I got to visit Greece, and that there is always a chance I'll win the lottery and move to Naxos - home of delicious citron, honey and the Portara, "Door to Nowhere." Fingers crossed!

Petroleum JIZZ

2009-09-22T17:58:00.002-04:00

I might not be as crazy as Tyra, but I must agree with her assessment of Vaseline. After two nights using this undercover eye cream, I look almost 27 again!

Jizz / Reverse Jizz Emmy's

2009-09-21T09:50:00.005-04:00

First off, we can agree that Neil Patrick Harris is suave, adorable, and generally awesome. Congrats, NPH! I do think dividing the show into categories, while perhaps better for those of us who couldn't care less about reality TV and need to clean the kitchen, made for a less exciting show.

Major JIZZ to Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt. Jon Hamm couldn't be anymore charming and he seems to genuinely love his lady in that hot Prince Charming way!

The ladies of Mad Men were relatively lackluster. Elisabeth Moss looked pretty, but her dress was entirely too bedazzled for such a tiny lady. She needed a Kronhaus creation, obviously.

And Christina Hendricks always looks like death warmed over on the red carpet, but she is so incredibly hot on Mad Men. FIX IT!

Same with January Jones - at least her hair and make-up were lovely. That dress . . . stop wearing cheap white dresses, January, and maybe the Emmy's will wake up and realize you are doing some of the best acting on TV.

A shocked jizz goes to Drew Barrymore, who after this nightmare, managed to look youthful and fresh and sweet. She should always go for sweet over crazy and punk.

And I loved Blake Lively's dress - yes it was a little brazen, but if I had her body, well, you'd all be lucky if I ever wore clothes!

Now, bring on the Oscars!

They should call them "skeets"

2009-09-01T14:43:00.004-04:00

Now, I resisted twitter for longer than most, certainly longer than Steve Inskeep and his fellow NPR News hosts who can't talk about anything but "tweeting!" After a couple of weeks exploring the Twitter-verse, I must say, I am hooked!

Jessica Simpson's brilliance brightens my day ("My parents home is a sanctuary. I love velveeta!! :)") and ShitMyDadSays causes belly laughs ("The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that.").

Oh and we mustn't forget SHAQ!

Take a spin through twitter and report back if you find something good!

Poor Man's Jizz

2009-08-26T13:45:00.003-04:00

Cooking with Ramen to make actual delicious food is something I just discovered despite Pukey B's frequent endorsement. My favorite cookbook has a bunch of recipes to choose from using this tasty treat, and I intend to make them all! Start with the beef, spinach & shiitake combo. You'll love it!

jizz blast soda!

2009-08-11T15:10:00.002-04:00

A new gas station in town offers 44 oz sodas for $0.59!!!!!
PLUS, their fountain features FLAVOR BLASTS. Mix any two flavor blasts with your soda for an extra flavorful treat that will last you all afternoon. I got Diet Coke with lime, Christina got Sprite Zero with cherry - almost makes us forget that Durham is sorely lacking a Sonic.

Man V Jizz

2009-08-03T09:42:00.003-04:00

Jared & I love this show, but I do start to dry heave a little when he has to eat things with too many eggs. The Portland breakfast burrito almost killed me! A giant donut, though? JIZZ!

Jizzles: CRAZY cores

2009-07-31T15:22:00.003-04:00

I love candy that sounds disgusting, but actually tastes delicious. Gotta love a little mystery in your sugary snack food, too!

Gratuitous tiny scaredy bear jizz!

2009-07-15T17:13:00.002-04:00

Lip sync jizzin'

2009-07-13T13:04:00.002-04:00

Since "Here I Go Again" in the 4th grade, I have been a fan of a good lip sync. My friend Alicia alerted me to this way-too-late-night hilarity. This is my favorite, but choose yours here!

Look at those baby blues!

2009-06-30T12:57:00.001-04:00

30 Minute Jizz

2009-06-30T10:09:00.002-04:00

Dinner before Jeopardy is my motto, and this cookbook will ensure success every time!

kis-jizz and bla-jizz in a ca-jizz

2009-06-15T16:23:00.002-04:00

our friends matt and doug played a little game of cash cab!

itty bitty jizzy committee!

2009-06-05T11:51:00.004-04:00

click here for the cutest kittens you have ever seen. EVER. (the itty bitty kitty committee)

all you people in Seattle must kitten-shop on this website! i am seriously crying tears of jizz.

Glee

2009-06-05T09:19:00.000-04:00

This show should be called JIZZ.

Live action West Wing!

2009-06-03T09:56:00.002-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Rahm Emanuel aka Rahm-bo was my favorite part of the "Inside the White House" feature last night. It was like watching West Wing except real! Love it!

It's gonna get messy in here come November!

2009-06-01T10:31:00.000-04:00

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer in HD

breakfast of jizzions!

2009-05-21T10:55:00.003-04:00

My favorite radio show is Breakfast of Champions (Thursday edition) on WMBR - Cambridge! They do mostly new releases, and pick a band of the week, and Keith is the best. They just started letting you listen from the top of the hour, so I don't have to come in early on Thursdays just to listen to more of the show! Two jizz-ups from Pukey.

Jizzia Child

2009-05-19T11:16:00.004-04:00

I did love the book Julie & Julia, but after reading Julia Child's autobiographical, My Life in France, I am truly inspired! The story begins when Julia Child was in her mid-thirties, working as a spy and was, by all stupid societal standards, an old maid. When she was 36, she married Paul Child who was the love of her life. They embarked on adventure and intrigue. No children, but lots of delicious food and fascinating travel. She was hardworking and fun-loving and lived to be 93. She wanted everyone to find joy in their lives and believed that people were what mattered. She found her life's work at the age of 40, so no moping for me as I approach 30. I think I'll go cook something with a vat of butter and maybe some brains! Jizz Appetit, Julia!

ETA: Jane Lynch loves Julia, too!

Wuv, Twue Wuv!

2009-05-18T11:52:00.003-04:00

A whole channel of romantic movies with ZERO commercial interruptions! Hello . . . where have you been all of my life?!

Kitten Porn

2009-05-11T10:58:00.002-04:00

There are many many "kitten porn" outlets on the internet, but the ones that are making the "ooohs" and "awwwws" and "OMGs" flow out of TIJA headquarters are:

The Daily Kitten
Independent Animal Rescue "kitten cam"
The old faithful, LOL Cats
and Cute Overload

Enjoy!

Jizz-tin Starr

2009-05-06T10:02:00.003-04:00

Just started watching Freaks & Geeks on DVD. Martin Starr is the funniest and most endearing character! And I loved him in Adventureland, too, so Martin - you may not have won an Oscar yet, but here's your TIJA salute!

Julie & Julia

2009-04-30T14:25:00.002-04:00

Amy Adams + Meryl Streep and a movie about a girl freaking out about turning 30 (ahem), and Julia Childs. Surely not even Nora Ephron can screw that up!

Trader Jizz, Part 2

2009-04-28T13:48:00.002-04:00

Our friend Grace introduced us to this soft, smell good shave cream. For Men & Women! Keeping the old Power Office free of stubble as we launch into the summer short season.

Triple Ginger snaps with hidden pockets of chewy ginger yumminess. Be sure to share or else you will eat the whole batch and need more than Mango shave cream to look good in your shorts!

Maru, Japanese Jizz Kitty

2009-04-27T17:21:00.001-04:00

New favorite Jizz kitty! Squeal at the cuteness of Maru aka "Diet Soda Cat."

Starburst - FaveReds

2009-04-22T15:27:00.003-04:00

mom raised me right. i go straight to the pink ones!

Chuck

2009-04-21T12:10:00.002-04:00

Please NBC do not cancel Chuck. We jizz at it weekly, and it has never been better! That is all, thank you.

Banana Boats!

2009-04-19T20:07:00.003-04:00

Who knew that stuffing a banana full of marshmallows and chocolate chips and then tossing them into the fire would result in a jizz explosion?! Thanks to Kate T and her Camp Mystic brethren for opening our eyes to what we have been missing all of our lives. YUM!

Mr. Darcy in Durham!

2009-04-15T12:11:00.004-04:00

Jizz: Having fantasy Mr. Darcy in our town!
Reverse-Jizz: Not seeing anyone famous yet, and seeing all these pictures of other people with their arms around Mr. Darcy and their excitement over Orlando Bloom's puppy dog!

There are even Kitties!

2009-04-08T11:55:00.001-04:00

As if The Thermals weren't jizzworthy enough . . .

Jizz.

2009-04-01T16:15:00.002-04:00

Recession TV Jizz

2009-03-30T12:26:00.003-04:00

Ever since the economy has gone south, I have had to bid farewell to my DVR, which is one of my husband & I's favorite things. After the initial shock and dismay, we are starting to get into a real groove with our television habits. We take advantage of full episode streams online, of course, but we are extremely grateful to the Wheel/Jeopardy power hour and Netflix on demand!

I know I sound like an old lady when I talk about "the wheel," but there is nothing like fixing yourself a smart cocktail after work and settling back for an hour of watching bored hosts give away money to extremely excited and confused people. Both Jeopardy and Wheel are so fast-moving, you don't have time to even understand the rules, but that's part of the fun. Especially when they go on location! Like why was Vanna in a wet suit at Sea World for a whole month? Jared is better at Wheel than I am, but I rule at Jeopardy.

I have loved Netflix long and well, but the on demand feature is amazing! I mean, I can watch terrible movies with just a click of the mouse!

So, faithful readers, don't let this nightmarish recession get you down. We at TIJA are always half-full, and for that we can be thankful.

PS. TNT & TBS are Mac Haters, so the shows that we love on those networks will receive no jizzes. BOOO!

Dr. Horrible's Jizz-Along Blog

2009-03-05T12:02:00.002-05:00

Surprisingly sweet, funny, and with great music! Watch this. It includes Man Candy (Nathan Fillion), romance, and the always essential Neil Patrick Harris! Long live The Musical!

There's jizz for everyone!

2009-03-04T11:27:00.003-05:00

Tolerance as taught by a scrappy lighthouse keeper, her new red-headed orphan friend, and a dragon. It just doesn't get any better than Disney in the 70's. Alicia and I definitely agree that Helen Reddy should have had a long prosperous career in film and musicals ala Julie Andrews, but maybe her accent wasn't cute enough?

Hugh Jizzman & The Oscars

2009-02-23T09:43:00.005-05:00

Congratulations to Hugh Jackman for hosting the least boring Oscars ceremony I have seen in years, and yet still maintaining some dignity! I didn't feel cheated of my montages, and I loved the musical numbers.

There weren't too many major faux pas this year as far as dresses. I would have to say that the biggest Reverse-Jizz has to go to Reese Witherspoon. Sweetheart, I am all about taking risks, but did you look in the mirror? You could feel the collective gasp when she walked out on stage.

The biggest jizz of the evening goes to Penelope Cruz! Wow. A 60 year old dress, and she looked like a princess! There were some great dresses this year, and also some that didn't quite work - see Marisa Tomei (still can't believe you are 45), Kate Winslet (years of looking flawless, and you shanked it!), Ann Hathaway (although you were charming!) & Beyonce (worked that musical number, my friend!).

As for the men -

Robert Downey Jr. gets the big jizz for looking all clean shaven and successful with his pretty lady. Mickey Rourke got robbed, and he looked charmingly eccentric with the picture of Loki around his neck. Apparently, he had a tiny tuxedo made for Loki for the awards ceremony, but Loki died before he could wear it. Academy voters, I know that Prop 8 is an important issue, but have you no hearts?!

Most enthusiasm awards go, of course, to the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, and to Taraji P. Henson. I hope this makes all of your careers, you are adorable! And Danny Boyle, who is a little hobbit of joy.

All in all, a very enjoyable event. Short(er), snazzy, and I didn't fall asleep once! Kate Winslet, I am happy you won, but it is going to take you 4 washes to get whatever that is in your hair out. And, I must give tiny reverse jizzes of boredom to Angelina (despite your fabulous earrings) and Jessica Biel (seriously?!). I would have been more entertaining than the two of you put together. Academy, send TIJA tickets next year!

I have to put a gratuitous Meryl shot here. She is everything that I love about Hollywood - and she looked regal - great shoulders and neck, lovely color, and genuinely happy for everyone!

ETA:

Best Week Ever has the best liveblog ever!

michael cera and scott pilgrim

2009-02-16T15:58:00.002-05:00

From Edgar Wright's blog

I don't think I need to tell you what just happened.

Eloping!

2009-02-16T14:19:00.003-05:00

Take note, TIJA readers, let your friends throw you a kickass engagement party, disappear the day before, and return married! Everyone will celebrate you, and you will still get all the presents, but the wedding will be yours and yours alone. Sláinte, Daphne & Patrick!*

* - I would never give up my big white dress, though!

carpe jizz'am

2009-02-14T11:29:00.003-05:00

Carpe Durham had a blogger party (holler!) last night at the Pinhook, complete with a taco truck! it was tons of fun to see people geek out over food, durham, and new bars downtown. this was good practice for SXSW!

Jizz Hamm!

2009-02-13T10:58:00.004-05:00

O Jon Hamm, my admiration has turned to obsession.

When I first became aware of your awesomeness, I just called you Don Draper. Cool, calm, collected - smoking and drinking like a real man.
Suddenly, you are a celebrity. And now, I get to experience your scruffy adorableness, and self-deprecating humor that makes me wonder why it took Hollywood so long to find you!

this girl is a genius.

2009-02-11T17:24:00.000-05:00

Burda World of Jizz

2009-02-10T17:29:00.002-05:00

My subscription hasn't kicked in but this magazine is quite jizz-worthy. It's full of sewing patterns and yes all the models are SO EURO, but they have some pretty cute stuff in here. Two big jizz-covered thumbs up from kronic!

Bacon Jizzes on TIJA!

2009-02-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

Want Bacon jizz on your blog?

The Boss! Teabaggin' America!

2009-02-02T11:56:00.001-05:00

Inauguration Fashion

2009-01-20T14:48:00.007-05:00

A Jizz Salute to Reverend Joseph Lowery! Fearless quote award! "When yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen."

Will someone please send me Mrs. Biden's coat? Lovely!

Huge crowd! All those tiny flags and hilariously bejeweled Obama hats made me feel guilty for being warm in my house.

Fashion icons in the making!

Elegant, tall, and young. They looked completely unaffected by the cold. Probably because 30 degrees is like 75 degrees in Chicago!

Would have been about coats and gloves if Aretha hadn't brought the diva. Thank you, Aretha!

I had to reopen this post to add the lovely Inaugural ball gown! Doesn't that dress just make you want to dance all night with the most powerful man in the world? And their first dance was sung by Beyonce. Damn.

Jizz / Reverse-Jizz: Golden Globes

2009-01-12T10:24:00.014-05:00

First of all, I must give a salute to Kate Winslet, who, although cannot give an acceptance speech that makes any sense, did forget Angelina's name! YES! May you win all of the Oscars for which you are nominated so that we can see Angelina struggle to keep her inner demons under control.

Jizz:

Tom Cruise is a psycho nutball, we know, however, he looks fantastic! Fit and gracious on the red carpet, he does nice things for tuxedos. I like him better without the high priestess of the tight rolls.

The cast and director of Slumdog Millionaire. I loved the movie, and I want to sop up Dev Patel's ears with a biscuit. Beautiful Indian co-star needs to get a stylist, though. The yellow was perfect and symbolic, but what is going on in the front of that dress?

Salma - congratulations! You finally got your tatas under control, and they look great! You were the only woman to carry off the boring skin tone dress and make it fabulous.

I want to hang out with Mickey Rourke. He makes crazy look good! And how about that shout out to his dogs?!

Goodbye to cheap wedding hair! Hello, cleavage! Jenna Fischer did the funny ladies proud this year. I'm so happy to take her off the R-J list.

Eva Mendes did something interesting!

Reverse-Jizz:
Maggie, please step away from Lisa Rinna's closet and pass Frederick's of Hollywood without using your platinum card. Bad. This look was not a total loss, however, the novelty of clean hair was appreciated!

Beautiful dress, impeccable cleavage, right? Yes, but look closer. Eva looks like she hasn't slept in a month. No excuses!

Crazy is only ok when you are nominated, Drew. Pretty dress, though.

I have been very vocal about wanting to switch bodies with Blake Lively over any other starlet in Hollywood. If I were lucky enough to have Blake's body, I would wear a dress that a. fits and b. shows off the positives and is more forgiving on the rounder areas all of us who eat are cursed with.

And in summation, gotta give Jizz shouts to Elizabeth Banks, Anne Hathaway, Olivia Wilde, and the cast of Mad Men for keeping it classy! Jon Hamm - you can sit at my imaginary Globes table! Robert Downey Jr, Mickey Rourke, Meryl and I will be proud to have you! Your wife may have to sit with Forehead, though, I haven't decided . . .

Reverse-Jizz shouts to J. Lo - I don't care what the gays say, cover it up! Boring and ugly dresses by Cameron, Debra, and Angelina. Oh wait, Angelina can't help it. Wearing the same color to two events in the same week is like ordering two for one snuggies, Angelina. Come on!

Bravo, Durham, Bravo!

2009-01-06T11:59:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year! Yes! We finally got it! Yes! I'm obsessed.

New Neko!

2008-12-17T15:49:00.001-05:00

Jizz You, Penguin

2008-12-16T15:20:00.003-05:00

Why didn't we think of this?! Instead of saying "awww" and frying up the baby animals after we jizz at them, we should have cursed at them and put them in their place! Thank you, baby boy for the link!

Yule Jizz Up

2008-12-09T17:08:00.003-05:00

My family and I have one thing in common. One thing that we all agree 100% on. Christmas Vacation is one of the funniest movies ever made. Watch it and you'll agree. The below scene is my current favorite after my gajillionth viewing!

BullJIZZ

2008-12-08T17:20:00.000-05:00

Watch live video from wimseybd's channel on Justin.tv

More biters . . .

2008-12-07T09:54:00.002-05:00

More proof that TIJA mania is sweeping the nation!

jzzzzz

2008-12-05T16:37:00.001-05:00

Jizzle Cats

2008-12-05T10:35:00.001-05:00

Odd Couples

2008-11-21T12:47:00.004-05:00

See more jizzworthy couples here

Jizz on my bed

2008-11-14T10:10:00.002-05:00

Just try crawling out from under one of these dream-catchers on a grey, rainy November morning!

Puppy Cam!

2008-11-12T17:38:00.001-05:00

Remember to wipe the jizz off of these puppies before you slap some BBQ sauce on them and eat them they are so freaking cute!

Free live streaming by Ustream

Fall into the Jizz

2008-11-11T15:27:00.004-05:00

I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to go shop at the Gap. This happened last year, too. mmmmm - Those . . . sweaters . . . look . . . so . . . warm!

Yes We Can

2008-11-05T17:38:00.003-05:00

The Onion live-blogged the Chicago rally.

All I can say is JIZZ. Join me, will you?

BLUE Jizz!

2008-11-04T10:45:00.002-05:00

Let's hope that our country celebrates the biggest collective jizz ever today! VOTE!

Doggyjizz

2008-11-03T14:13:00.001-05:00

stolen from catbirdjizz

heaven

2008-11-01T10:03:00.000-04:00

Jizz Marathon

2008-10-27T16:49:00.005-04:00

CMJ was extremely jizz-worthy and we rose to the occasion. Many late booze-filled nights that turned into epic jizz sessions. Much love to our West Coast jizz-meister, Baby boy aka Thad aka Noodle D aka Morseth aka fearless protector.

TIJA BFF, Julia and Lindsey doing skeletal gymnastics. A little bit higher, ladies!

Kronic and I saluting our mad party-throwing skillz with a confusing hand gesture.

Man love making new friends!

"Thad" from Vampire Weekend. He discovered African influence, you know? And some frat dudes really believed him and wanted their picture taken with him.

Matt Lemay, Christine & I rocking the stripes - it's like one of those pictures where if you look hard enough, you can see JIZZ.

photo by Jonny Leather
Julian from The Music Tapes playing the drums with a bouncy ball while singing about how there should be no more parents. YES!

Last but not least - 7 Foot Tall Metronome in action! Can you feel the jizz tonight?

See you next year, CMJ! TIJA showcase? You never know!

CMJ bingo

2008-10-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

Black Cab in a jizz-filled black cab

2008-10-20T12:35:00.001-04:00

In honor of Noodle D coming to CMJ this year, here's a special little video:

"Can I get you a towel for all that jizz?"

2008-10-17T15:26:00.003-04:00

LA appreciation week concludes with a salute to the crew of Desperate Housewives! All completely sweet and accommodating to two mere hangers-on. I cannot say thank you enough! I will cherish my "Desperate Housewives" bottle of water and my official Warner Bros. visitor's parking pass forever!

Pour one out and cheer when you see Paul Bullock's name as writer on November 2nd's DH episode!

Gardens of Jizzco

2008-10-16T17:35:00.003-04:00

No menus, hard to understand waiters, and delicious margaritas! LA Jizz week continues with a skeet directed at our favorite meal of the trip! Cream sauce on my salmon, indeed!

Top Down Jizz

2008-10-15T12:45:00.002-04:00

LA Appreciation week continues to a mighty jizz hard top salute to the Pontiac G6. We impressed valet drivers all over town, and felt the arid winds of Los Angeles fry our poor hair to the roots. We made Mulholland Drive our bitch and cruised from Venice Beach to Santal Monica. We made friends with the residents of "Boys Town" aka West Hollywood with our rousing rendition of "King of Wishful Thinking" at the top of our lungs at 2am. It really could have been a Pontiac commercial - we're still waiting on our 3 picture deal!

Mecca Jizz

2008-10-14T13:08:00.003-04:00

Chateau Marmont is a beautiful haven for celebrities who just want to eat a nice meal in peace. Hilary and I infiltrated the joint and jizzed at a patio full of the rich and famous while clearly setting ourselves apart from the VIPs as we tossed back cocktails and ate bread and cheese, carbs be damned! I could almost see Isla Fisher wiping the jizz off her shoes as she left, and Ben Stiller giving his righteous little booty a swipe to free himself of our avid jizz-filled stares.

O, Chateau Marmont . . . when we hit the big time, we will return!

Reverse-Jizz: Biters

2008-10-02T13:35:00.002-04:00

Noodle D aka Baby Boy may not jizz often, but when he does, he makes a much bigger mess than Lindsey and I do! Who can forget the Jizz Kittens?

It's not nice to find nemeses, but when we do, we call them out!

Tiny Mix Tapes - consider yourself on notice!

Best Week Ever - yes, you made us giggle, and yes that baby deer made us jizz, but shame on you!

Noodle D aka Baby Boy, you remain # 1 in our hearts!

Scooter...?

2008-10-02T13:28:00.003-04:00

or is it Skeet-skeet-skeeter?!!

Look at this fine mutha'

I fell in love with this 'speeding motorcycle' a while back and I'm only just coming to terms with it now. I see them everywhere, and every time I do...I have to go back in the house and change my pants....

80-120 mpg AND it can hold 2! That's if we're both not slippin off the seat - if you know what I mean. I'd be unloading some 10w-30 viscosity of my own!

Can you imagine a little Noodle D weaving in and out of traffic on this beautiful beast?

Can I have one mama?! CAN I?!
Uh oh.... I should just wear a diaper looking at this thing.

Skeet skeet skeet!
Noodle D xoxo

The Emmy's - mostly reverse-jizz

2008-09-22T09:47:00.003-04:00

Worst Emmy's ever? It just seemed really ill-produced, and they should never ever have let the reality hacks into the academy. That opening . . . oof. And Heidi, who I was counting on to class things up a bit, wore bad clothes and actually took part in a "bit" where her clothes were ripped off.

You know it's a bad year when Josh Groban is actually a high point.

Most of the clothes were beautiful! In fact, I feel that I should use this space only to reverse-jizz January Jones aka Betty Draper. Mad Men, winner of the best drama emmy, is a new obsession of mine in no small part due to Mrs. Betty Draper. January Jones needs to hire Betty's stylist and stop shopping for the red carpet in Frederick's of Hollywood. If you look hard enough, you can almost see her freaking belly button for god's sake!

Williams-Sonojizz Recipes

2008-09-16T11:02:00.002-04:00

The Williams-Sonoma website is full of fancy-shmancy recipes that all look totally delicious. The good thing is, most of them aren't as hard as you'd think! They just LOOK impressive! This website is a lot less aggravating than FoodNetwork.com, so I give it one mouthful of jizz thumb way up. Try the No-Knead Rosemary & Lemon bread or the filled pankcakes! MMMM!

Teal Jizz

2008-09-14T20:25:00.003-04:00

I have painted many pieces of furniture in my life, but none have brought me as much satisfaction as my big teal shelf o' vinyl. Look at it! It's beautiful! It just screams, "TEAL! JIZZ!"

Pot o' Jizz

2008-09-08T10:34:00.003-04:00

Last night, my husband created a culinary masterpiece. To the naked eye, it looked like a baked chicken, but once in my mouth, there was a jizz-splosion that shook the very foundation of our house. Thanks to Jared's mad culinary skills and this lovely pot by Le Creuset, baked chicken was taken to a whole new level. Le Creuset will now be known as Le pot de Jette at my house! (and yes, I did look up "jizz" in the English to French dictionary)

Childhood jizz-splosion

2008-08-26T16:22:00.002-04:00

My friend Alicia and I organized an Anne of Green Gables book club in honor of the 100 year anniversary of the book. All of my childhood dreams of being Canadian, the knack of making everyone love me, and discovering my true feelings for a hazel-eyed future doctor (almost too late!) have been re-awakened. I long for words like "slender," "tall," "ruddy" and "starry" to be applied to me. I yearn for red hair and seven freckles on my nose.

2008 isn't so bad, but I'd give it all up to be Anne! Oh well, I'll just have to take comfort in my husband's hazel eyes and re-reading all eight Anne books whenever I need a shot of youthful jizz.

Commuter Jizz

2008-08-22T11:46:00.002-04:00

The sweat on my face could easily be mistaken for a bucket of jizz.

Shiny new computers and Jizz Mail

2008-08-12T14:05:00.003-04:00

We at TIJA are unabashed Microsoft haters. Our old, faithful iMacs suffered through years of Entourage hell before finally we retired them this week.

Lindsey and I are now in the PO (power office) looking at all of the images below and the grins on our faces are testament to the amount of joy in our britches.

Jizz on the Run!

2008-08-04T11:22:00.002-04:00

I love Wings. Athens, GA, home of the world's greatest cover bands, has assembled the greatest Wings cover band ever! They are called Hi Hi Hi - Jizz Jizz Jizz is more like it! Full horn section, full McCartney mullet. Amazing.

Carne Asada with a side of jizz

2008-07-30T13:32:00.003-04:00

Trader Joe's is universally recognized as an amazing store filled with jizz-inducing snacks and 3 buck chuck. This is a new item recently tried at the Martinson hacienda. Grill up some veggies and wrap this tender spicy beef in a tortilla, and the jizz sparks will fly!

Full killer meal instructions with photos here.

Mamma Jizz-a!

2008-07-25T10:10:00.002-04:00

I haven't had so much fun in a movie theatre since Bride and Prejudice! Bursting into song, dance sequences, Greece, mankinis, and sequins! Sure, Pierce Brosnan can't sing, but he adds to the comedy. And, of COURSE, Colin Firth isn't gay, but he sure plays it well. Go see it in the theatre, be loud, have fun. The world would be a much better place if Abba wrote the soundtrack.

Jimmy Jizz's

2008-07-16T12:04:00.002-04:00

The ladies of TIJA have a new obsession. We love the # 12 at Jimmy John's. Smells delicious in there, not super-expensive, and you don't feel all dirty after you eat it. There's one on ninth street - check it out! Tell 'em your friends at TIJA sent you, and don't forget to ask for hot peppers and a pickle!

Jizz Bo

2008-07-09T17:28:00.004-04:00

I have been playing this game since I was a little girl. If you play it with real cards, it's called Spite and Malice. I taught my new husband how to play on our honeymoon ferry boat ride, and now he is addicted just like me. Once you get the rules straight, you'll be jizz bo'ing with the best of them!

Psych Jizz Out

2008-06-24T13:00:00.002-04:00

How can you not watch this show after the brilliance of this promo? New episodes on July 18. And new episodes of Monk, too!

250 pieces of jizz

2008-06-20T14:06:00.001-04:00

Christina went to costco and brought back this giant bag of deliciousness. Nerds, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls, SweetTarts, Jolly Ranchers, Laffy Taffy, Starburst, Skittles..jizzx250.

TIM HORTON'S JIZZ

2008-06-16T14:34:00.002-04:00

I had been waiting for this moment almost my entire life. The perfect donut was found in Windsor, Ontario this weekend. I ate a whole box of timbits on top of a maple crunch stuffed with vanilla pudding. JIZZ.

my very own jizz kittens!

2008-06-16T09:40:00.002-04:00

Jizz Shot

2008-06-15T13:34:00.002-04:00

How had I never seen Slap Shot before? Seriously! That movie is awesome! Let the Hanson Brothers "check" the jizz right out of you!

Jared's boxset of jizz

2008-06-13T12:48:00.002-04:00

I must salute my jizz-tastic fiance for his help in winning the Sex and the City boxset from our local newspaper. Nothing says true love like a freddy mercury mustache and a quote in the paper about how excited he is to watch "every episode!" Sorry girls, he's taken!

Frozen Jizz on a hot day

2008-06-10T16:07:00.002-04:00

Lindsey, Wilson and I just walked outside into the sauna-like 102 degree weather to the local convenience store for ice cream treats. Lindsey had a giant ice cream twix - caramel jizz with a cookie center. I had a giant nutty buddy with chocolate AND vanilla ice cream and little nuts and a sugar cone. Giant jizz!

5 Star JIZZ

2008-06-09T15:49:00.002-04:00

Last weekend . . . I jizzed here:

Here . . .

And most definitely HERE:

JJ's new jizz kitten!

2008-06-06T11:46:00.003-04:00

JJ's life is now complete with his very own jizz kitten! Look how cute he is!! Now I need to pick a few out and take them home too!

Cranford

2008-06-01T14:55:00.002-04:00

I am a sucker for movies and books depicting British village life with little gossipy old ladies. It is no secret that I am well on my way to being a gossipy old lady, but alas without a British accent. Cranford is a mini-series that just aired on Masterpiece. Watch it and laugh, cry & jizz with adorable old ladies, as well as the extremely jizz-worthy red-headed Dr. Harrison. You may recognize the actor from the Keira Knightley Pride and Prejudice in which he played the sweet, simple purveyor of jizz, Mr. Bingley.

North Carolina Bears

2008-05-28T11:25:00.002-04:00

Memorial Day weekend had everyone out grilling in the backyard, and the bears were hungry! The local news affiliate had a hard-hitting news story on the bears with their visit to Wal-Mart and the home of a ponytailed man. Thanks to the nice sheriff, Ricky, we know that the bears were hungry and that you shouldn't mess with them, but that it's probably ok to let your kids out on their scooters.

Throw an extra jizz-kabob on the grill for our furry friends!

Vampire Jizz Hotness!

2008-05-23T12:33:00.002-04:00

Based on a YA book written by Stephanie Meyer, Twilight the movie is gonna be awesome!! This teaser trailer has me jizzing uncontrollably in anticipation! The new book comes out in August. Yay!

The Office Quotes page!

2008-05-13T17:47:00.002-04:00

Try to work while this is in existence. Seriously.

My current favorite:
Kelly: Oh my God, Darryl. You look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama.