These bacon cups from Not Martha make my mouth water! Can you imagine putting a sunny-side-up egg in one of these bacon cups? holy breakfast jizz, batman! BACON CUPS!
Seriously, what is more fun than saying "Hey, do you want a tiny banana?" I
can tell you - Nothing! Dip that baby banana in chocolate for the
oh-so-elusive fondue-jizz in your mouth.
Gratuitous McAvoy before we begin the longest TIJA post ever!
First off, mega-jizz to myself for winning the office Oscar pool! Also, even though the show was a little lackluster, it ended before midnight for the first time I can remember! Unfair-jizz on the producers for not giving Amy Adams any sets or costumes while she sang the wonderful "Happy Working Song." And then giving Kristin Chenowith all kinds of extras and costumes for the even better "How Does She Know?"
A GIANT Welcome back Jizz for the writers and the red carpet! Make up sex indeed, Jon Stewart!
Now for the clothes!
Jizz: Keri Russell
This year's big winner for effortless style and charm. She looked beautiful, comfortable, and happy to be there.
Jizz: Jennifer Garner
When in doubt on how to look when you know you should have been nominated, but weren't, just remember the way Jennifer Garner looked at the 2008 Oscars. Wow.
Jizz: Amy Adams
Green and gold with her beautiful skin and red hair. Perfection.
Jizz: Marion Cotillard
Kind of risky fish-inspired ensemble that just worked perfectly for her despite the French tramp makeup.
Knocked up Jizz: Jessica Alba
Cate Blanchett looked like she was wearing a cheap wig and a thrift store dress, especially when compared with our friend "Don't Call me Latina," who had great hair, and a surprisingly modest super-flattering dress.
Slightly jealous Jizz: Clooney and the luckiest girl in the world
mmm - Clooney! A real man with megawatt charm who can take care of you while still keeping a hint of mystery. Sarah Larson was impossible to hate despite her questionable worthiness, because she looked like she knew that living up to the Clooney would be impossible even if she were royalty.
Reverse Jizz: Ellen Page
Juno, I told you not to wear anything shapeless and/or black, didn't I?! Also, your face kinda looked darker than your neck. Get a stylist, but not Jennifer Hudson's, OK?!
Reverse Jizz: Helen Mirren
Helen, Helen, Helen! Knitting is very charming, but put down the needles when it is time to get ready for the Oscars! Where was your ferocity from last year?
Reverse Jizz: Diablo Cody
We know, you were a stripper. We get it. If you are going to attend the Oscars, don't just bedazzle your post-performance robe. Also, if you think you might win, wear panties.
Reverse Jizz: Hilary Swank
Sweetie, didn't your mother ever tell you to cover up those dumbo ears? Accentuate the positives!
Honorable Mentions:
Laura Linney! I thought she looked lovely and was so happy she didn't rock the cheap wedding hair!
Patrick Dempsey and his hot wife!
Oh and the Once song was great, even though I didn't like that movie very much. They were adorable and yay indie rock!
ETA: Fug Girls live blog the red carpet. This is basically a transcript of my conversations with Hilary & Christine.
I am a long-time Sex and the City enthusiast. It is the reason why my friend Hilary and I know everything and have successful relationships. So, you will understand our trepidation when the movie was announced. Now, however, I am jumping headfirst into optimism with the release of the new extended trailer!
Also, I want to say that I am now an avid Dlisted fan. Move over Perez, there's a new bitchy queen in town who isn't quite as self-obsessed!
Enjoy Dlisted AND the new Sex and the City trailer here!
We've been venturing out of our comfort zone these few past weeks and found a new place that's totally jizz-worthy: the Raleigh Times Bar has some of the best bar food I've had in a long time - Pork Nachos, Guacamole topped with Pico de Gallo, FRIED PICKLES! GERMAN BEER ON TAP! Who knew heaven was in RALEIGH?
(just don't google search pink tacos)
A last-minute gift idea for the fellas from your friends at TIJA.
And for the Ladies, a little wet Mr. Darcy for you! Mmmmmm.
The Crazy/Hot scale is one of my favorite "Barney" segments from my new favorite show, How I Met Your Mother. You should watch this show, really. These people are just like us, except that we have jobs and can't afford their clothes. Oh, and architects on TV are hilarious!
Jared first introduced me to this webzine many moons ago, and I looked forward to that first of the month jizz all month long! Well, it's back for our mutual satisfaction! Prank calls, political correspondence, and coke nails - updated monthly here!
Two Eggo Waffles. Toasted twice for maximum crunchiness.
Smear generously with Jiff Creamy Peanut Butter
Add a generous dollop of unsweetened apple sauce
A somewhat healthy, balanced and delicious breakfast that will keep your jizz boosters firing full-speed until lunch!
I must admit to not watching the SAG awards.. The writer's strike has destroyed my spirit, and so has the boring lack of color in red carpet wear over the past couple of years. In an attempt to revive my lagging enthusiasm, I present the 2008 SAG Awards Jizz/R-J. Keep in mind, that just because you have reached a spectacular new low or you look divinely elegant as per usual, or you think you are soo special because you ripped off our blog, does not make you worthy of being mentioned below.
Jizz: America Ferrara
Oh so pretty! And feminine! I can't decide if she is really as adorable as I think she is or if it's just the contrast with Ugly Betty.
Jizz: Cate Blanchett
Form-fitting without being vile, and just "mother earth" enough to be perfect!
Reverse-Jizz: Ellen Page
O Ellen, you are adorable! Get a stylist so I don't have to put you back on the R-J list in February!
Reverse-Jizz: Jenna Fischer
I have grown accustomed to your cheap wedding hair, Jenna, but an ill-fitting mother of the bride dress is inexcusable.
Captain & Mrs. Reverse-Jizz:
Vomit. Puke. Repeat.
Please do yourself a favor and read the best SAG wrap-up ever!
My first jizz of 2008 is for the delectable Oreo Cookie. Two Chocolate cookies with white frosting in the middle - dipped in a large cupful of milk . . . A symbol of tolerance and a message of jizz in these troubled times!
Happy New Year - may 2008 be filled with jizz for each and every one of us!
My holiday spirit has been low this year, but the sight of Clementines in a bowl makes my joy rise to the occasion!
Trader Joe's was my neighborhood grocery store back in California, but NC is a little slower to pick up on cool things like this. Chapel Hill finally got one! It's a madhouse every time you go in there with the 50 yr old ladies gobbling up the 2-buck-Chuck like it's being discontinued, but soon they'll all chillax and it'll be just like the olden days of stocking up on JoeJoe's and chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels for staff meetings. Big thumbs up to the Wintry Mix Coffee and that pancetta they sell already cubed!
We at the jizz blog, while deploring the lack of new episodes of our favorite shows, support the writer's strike wholeheartedly. Although, I will confess to a wee bit of irritation when I read a certain writer's copycat blog about expensive shoes! Hurry up and give them what they want, evil producers, before you ruin awards' season, too!
So far, the only thing I jizz at when planning my forthcoming nuptials (other than the insanely perfect ring and the concept of spending eternity with my dream man) is Bridal Mart. I found my absolute fantasy princess wedding dress (NOT pictured) for the price of a prom dress! When it is your turn to get married, run to Burlington and ask for Wanda - she'll treat you right!
The best thing about going to see the Carolina Hurricanes play lately (sadly) is the stop you get to make at the Nut Cart! The Nutty Bavarian stand always has a huge line and would be impossible to find if not for the sweet waft of toasted nuts through the halls of the RBC center. Serve me up some of dem nuts! Yum!
Watch the following clip of the best part of Enchanted and just try not to smile! If you ask me, the world would be a much better place if we all randomly burst into song.
I've been eating crock pot meals for a while now (thanks christina!) but finally mom unloaded an unused slowcooker onto my tiny kitchen. ho-lee geez! this is just what i needed! even if a little prep work is involved, it definitely gives the slow-cooked taste i yearn but never have time for.
why did i wait so long to jizz in a pot?
Triangle Brewing Company has a delicious Golden Ale. It acts as an elixir of charm & wit. When I drink it in excess, I am possessed with an overwhelming desire to share my wisdom incessantly with everyone I come in contact with. I think people really love it when I do that. It is surely not the slightest bit annoying . . .
this one gets a double jizz from me - Scott Pilgrim 4 came out yesterday and yes it is amazing and Bryan Lee O'Malley is the most awesome dude there is. My best friend from college introduced me to the series and since it's been hard for me to hide my dork-love for SP.
i can't explain how hard i freaked out when i saw this last night:
comic nerd jizz!
The hours can't pass quickly enough for pukey & I today as we await Oyster happy hour at Fishmonger's. Their motto is "It's that place at the beach that's just down the street!" My motto is "Mmmm - oysters get in my belly!" They have yummy onion rings, too!
Yummy, salty, jizz-like substance in a tube served on a rough wheat cracker. Christina says "Thank you, jizz again, please!" Pukey says "I need a shot to wash down that pink catfood smelling spooge-like substance with a shot of vodka. Or two!"
Excellent cowbell-like instrument to add the jizz-inducing opening to Shout Out Louds hits like "Impossible." Christina says "No thank you" to the gin shot poured into the smaller of the 2 containers. Pukey says "Oh silly Carl, I will shoot gin with you and your adorable little boy face."
We'll let the loyal TIJA readers guess who is Jizzin' and who is Reverse jizzin' on the other's car.
I'm pretty sure everyone in the world is saying "i heart Jens" right about now, but oh my holy jizzness, i just can't stop! If i could make "Simply Irresistible" play when this page pops up, I would.
Jens and I had an encounter last week. That's all I can say about that. swoon.
Gellin', or Jizzin' as we here at TIJA like to say, is as important to the success of a rock show as good sound and hot dudes! Take those tired hounds to the nearest drug store, and those hipster shoes won't cause lame hipster frowns!
I can't stop listening to this M.I.A. song! It's so catchy and shockingly hilarious. See her perform the cap gun version on Letterman below, but visit your local music store for the album version!
Friends and lovers,
Noodle D has got some jizz to talk about. I think I might even blow my load not 1, not 2, but 3 times today.
So if Pukey B can jizz about some australians, I think I can jizz about this handsome fellow.
Mr. Bill Callahan played to a very excited crowd in Los Angeles for nearly 2 hours! And his crazy leg dances make one wonder if he himself may just be on the verge of a jizz himself! The New Album is a golden piece of the new Americana but I nearly spooied myself when he played 'River Guard' and then it really did run down my leg..... when he played 'Cold Blooded Old Times'.
Mr. Callahan, I salute you.
Skeet skeet!
Next Jizz:
Remember these old things?
Old, smelly, full of people's unwashed hand spunk and goo, but fun as hell!
Bring extra socks kids!
I haven't rollerskated since I was barely a wet spot myself. There was the dice game, the worst hot dog I've ever had, a slurpee, and of course the Hokey Pokey! I had so much fun my mess had to be contained - as to prevent slipping, of course. Whether you 8 or 80, blind, crippled, or crazy - you too can jizz on the rink.
Final jizz:
Noodle has been watching a lot of Utube lately.
Try this for me: Type in the word "Shredding" and you may just come up with something like this...
I really haven't decided if this should be a reverse jizz or not. I mean, these licks are Scalding but for god sakes, two guitars? Seriously, if what happens at about 4:40 doesn't make some sort of liquid come out of your pants...watch it again.
There are hundreds upon hundreds of dudes spreading their finger tapping dirtiness around.
This stuff is ridiculous and may be a violation of homeland security, or atleast guilty of lude and jizzy behavior.
Goodbye for now and jizz well.
Skeet skeet!
Noodle
ok, i swear TIJA is not going to turn into a "jizz on indie rock dudes" blog! but these guys are crazy awesome. cute front-dude drummer who also dances like calvin johnson, but in a less creepy way? YES.
the Mind Whip tour that The Ladybug Transistor has been playing on was so much fun in a weird/awkward "maybe this was a private party?" kind of way. but watching people dance all crazy to bands that you never thought people danced to (with the exception of still flyin') makes for a jizz-worthy experience.
The Lucksmiths site.
