Monday, January 12, 2009

Jizz / Reverse-Jizz: Golden Globes


First of all, I must give a salute to Kate Winslet, who, although cannot give an acceptance speech that makes any sense, did forget Angelina's name! YES! May you win all of the Oscars for which you are nominated so that we can see Angelina struggle to keep her inner demons under control.












Jizz:

Tom Cruise is a psycho nutball, we know, however, he looks fantastic! Fit and gracious on the red carpet, he does nice things for tuxedos. I like him better without the high priestess of the tight rolls.













The cast and director of Slumdog Millionaire. I loved the movie, and I want to sop up Dev Patel's ears with a biscuit. Beautiful Indian co-star needs to get a stylist, though. The yellow was perfect and symbolic, but what is going on in the front of that dress?













Salma - congratulations! You finally got your tatas under control, and they look great! You were the only woman to carry off the boring skin tone dress and make it fabulous.




















I want to hang out with Mickey Rourke. He makes crazy look good! And how about that shout out to his dogs?!













Goodbye to cheap wedding hair! Hello, cleavage! Jenna Fischer did the funny ladies proud this year. I'm so happy to take her off the R-J list.

















Eva Mendes did something interesting!















Reverse-Jizz:
Maggie, please step away from Lisa Rinna's closet and pass Frederick's of Hollywood without using your platinum card. Bad. This look was not a total loss, however, the novelty of clean hair was appreciated!















Beautiful dress, impeccable cleavage, right? Yes, but look closer. Eva looks like she hasn't slept in a month. No excuses!















Crazy is only ok when you are nominated, Drew. Pretty dress, though.

















I have been very vocal about wanting to switch bodies with Blake Lively over any other starlet in Hollywood. If I were lucky enough to have Blake's body, I would wear a dress that a. fits and b. shows off the positives and is more forgiving on the rounder areas all of us who eat are cursed with.










And in summation, gotta give Jizz shouts to Elizabeth Banks, Anne Hathaway, Olivia Wilde, and the cast of Mad Men for keeping it classy! Jon Hamm - you can sit at my imaginary Globes table! Robert Downey Jr, Mickey Rourke, Meryl and I will be proud to have you! Your wife may have to sit with Forehead, though, I haven't decided . . .

Reverse-Jizz shouts to J. Lo - I don't care what the gays say, cover it up! Boring and ugly dresses by Cameron, Debra, and Angelina. Oh wait, Angelina can't help it. Wearing the same color to two events in the same week is like ordering two for one snuggies, Angelina. Come on!

2 comments:

wordnerdy said...

I love that I don't have to watch awards shows b/c your coverage has everything I care about!

Also, I saw the snuggies commercial three times last night on three different channels.

christinamerge said...

The reactions to that commercial are so freaking entertaining!