Biggest Loser Jizz-loss Yoga!

For those times in your life when you're feeling a little sluggish, Bob is there to help you sweat it out!

Patton Oswalt's Christmas Shoes

Watch this hilarious Patton Oswalt comedy bit cleverly animated to be just perfect for TIJA this holiday season!

A long dry spell . . .

TIJA compadre, the Kronic and I have been a little lax in our jizz updates due to an insane October and early November, but the holiday season is upon us and we are serving our Thanksgiving turkeys with a warm spurt of thankfulness!


Kronic is going to shank her valiant attempt at the "South Beach" diet in thankfulness for Trader Joe's Peppermint Bark.


I am thankful I got to visit Greece, and that there is always a chance I'll win the lottery and move to Naxos - home of delicious citron, honey and the Portara, "Door to Nowhere." Fingers crossed!

Petroleum JIZZ

I might not be as crazy as Tyra, but I must agree with her assessment of Vaseline. After two nights using this undercover eye cream, I look almost 27 again!

Jizz / Reverse Jizz Emmy's

First off, we can agree that Neil Patrick Harris is suave, adorable, and generally awesome. Congrats, NPH! I do think dividing the show into categories, while perhaps better for those of us who couldn't care less about reality TV and need to clean the kitchen, made for a less exciting show.

Major JIZZ to Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt. Jon Hamm couldn't be anymore charming and he seems to genuinely love his lady in that hot Prince Charming way!

The ladies of Mad Men were relatively lackluster. Elisabeth Moss looked pretty, but her dress was entirely too bedazzled for such a tiny lady. She needed a Kronhaus creation, obviously.

And Christina Hendricks always looks like death warmed over on the red carpet, but she is so incredibly hot on Mad Men. FIX IT!

Same with January Jones - at least her hair and make-up were lovely. That dress . . . stop wearing cheap white dresses, January, and maybe the Emmy's will wake up and realize you are doing some of the best acting on TV.

A shocked jizz goes to Drew Barrymore, who after this nightmare, managed to look youthful and fresh and sweet. She should always go for sweet over crazy and punk.

And I loved Blake Lively's dress - yes it was a little brazen, but if I had her body, well, you'd all be lucky if I ever wore clothes!

Now, bring on the Oscars!

They should call them "skeets"

Now, I resisted twitter for longer than most, certainly longer than Steve Inskeep and his fellow NPR News hosts who can't talk about anything but "tweeting!" After a couple of weeks exploring the Twitter-verse, I must say, I am hooked!

Jessica Simpson's brilliance brightens my day ("My parents home is a sanctuary. I love velveeta!! :)") and ShitMyDadSays causes belly laughs ("The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that.").

Oh and we mustn't forget SHAQ!

Take a spin through twitter and report back if you find something good!

Poor Man's Jizz

Cooking with Ramen to make actual delicious food is something I just discovered despite Pukey B's frequent endorsement. My favorite cookbook has a bunch of recipes to choose from using this tasty treat, and I intend to make them all! Start with the beef, spinach & shiitake combo. You'll love it!

jizz blast soda!

A new gas station in town offers 44 oz sodas for $0.59!!!!!
PLUS, their fountain features FLAVOR BLASTS. Mix any two flavor blasts with your soda for an extra flavorful treat that will last you all afternoon. I got Diet Coke with lime, Christina got Sprite Zero with cherry - almost makes us forget that Durham is sorely lacking a Sonic.

Man V Jizz

Jared & I love this show, but I do start to dry heave a little when he has to eat things with too many eggs. The Portland breakfast burrito almost killed me! A giant donut, though? JIZZ!

Jizzles: CRAZY cores

I love candy that sounds disgusting, but actually tastes delicious. Gotta love a little mystery in your sugary snack food, too!

Gratuitous tiny scaredy bear jizz!

Lip sync jizzin'

Since "Here I Go Again" in the 4th grade, I have been a fan of a good lip sync. My friend Alicia alerted me to this way-too-late-night hilarity. This is my favorite, but choose yours here!

Look at those baby blues!

30 Minute Jizz

Dinner before Jeopardy is my motto, and this cookbook will ensure success every time!

kis-jizz and bla-jizz in a ca-jizz

our friends matt and doug played a little game of cash cab!

itty bitty jizzy committee!

click here for the cutest kittens you have ever seen. EVER. (the itty bitty kitty committee)

all you people in Seattle must kitten-shop on this website! i am seriously crying tears of jizz.

Glee

This show should be called JIZZ.

Live action West Wing!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Rahm Emanuel aka Rahm-bo was my favorite part of the "Inside the White House" feature last night. It was like watching West Wing except real! Love it!

It's gonna get messy in here come November!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer in HD

breakfast of jizzions!

My favorite radio show is Breakfast of Champions (Thursday edition) on WMBR - Cambridge! They do mostly new releases, and pick a band of the week, and Keith is the best. They just started letting you listen from the top of the hour, so I don't have to come in early on Thursdays just to listen to more of the show! Two jizz-ups from Pukey.

Jizzia Child

I did love the book Julie & Julia, but after reading Julia Child's autobiographical, My Life in France, I am truly inspired! The story begins when Julia Child was in her mid-thirties, working as a spy and was, by all stupid societal standards, an old maid. When she was 36, she married Paul Child who was the love of her life. They embarked on adventure and intrigue. No children, but lots of delicious food and fascinating travel. She was hardworking and fun-loving and lived to be 93. She wanted everyone to find joy in their lives and believed that people were what mattered. She found her life's work at the age of 40, so no moping for me as I approach 30. I think I'll go cook something with a vat of butter and maybe some brains! Jizz Appetit, Julia!

ETA: Jane Lynch loves Julia, too!

Wuv, Twue Wuv!

A whole channel of romantic movies with ZERO commercial interruptions! Hello . . . where have you been all of my life?!

Kitten Porn

There are many many "kitten porn" outlets on the internet, but the ones that are making the "ooohs" and "awwwws" and "OMGs" flow out of TIJA headquarters are:

The Daily Kitten
Independent Animal Rescue "kitten cam"
The old faithful, LOL Cats
and Cute Overload

Enjoy!

Jizz-tin Starr

Just started watching Freaks & Geeks on DVD. Martin Starr is the funniest and most endearing character! And I loved him in Adventureland, too, so Martin - you may not have won an Oscar yet, but here's your TIJA salute!

Julie & Julia

Amy Adams + Meryl Streep and a movie about a girl freaking out about turning 30 (ahem), and Julia Childs. Surely not even Nora Ephron can screw that up!

Trader Jizz, Part 2

Our friend Grace introduced us to this soft, smell good shave cream. For Men & Women! Keeping the old Power Office free of stubble as we launch into the summer short season.


Triple Ginger snaps with hidden pockets of chewy ginger yumminess. Be sure to share or else you will eat the whole batch and need more than Mango shave cream to look good in your shorts!

Maru, Japanese Jizz Kitty

New favorite Jizz kitty! Squeal at the cuteness of Maru aka "Diet Soda Cat."

Starburst - FaveReds

mom raised me right. i go straight to the pink ones!

Chuck

Please NBC do not cancel Chuck. We jizz at it weekly, and it has never been better! That is all, thank you.

Banana Boats!

Who knew that stuffing a banana full of marshmallows and chocolate chips and then tossing them into the fire would result in a jizz explosion?! Thanks to Kate T and her Camp Mystic brethren for opening our eyes to what we have been missing all of our lives. YUM!

Mr. Darcy in Durham!

Jizz: Having fantasy Mr. Darcy in our town!
Reverse-Jizz: Not seeing anyone famous yet, and seeing all these pictures of other people with their arms around Mr. Darcy and their excitement over Orlando Bloom's puppy dog!

There are even Kitties!

As if The Thermals weren't jizzworthy enough . . .

Jizz.

Recession TV Jizz

Ever since the economy has gone south, I have had to bid farewell to my DVR, which is one of my husband & I's favorite things. After the initial shock and dismay, we are starting to get into a real groove with our television habits. We take advantage of full episode streams online, of course, but we are extremely grateful to the Wheel/Jeopardy power hour and Netflix on demand!



I know I sound like an old lady when I talk about "the wheel," but there is nothing like fixing yourself a smart cocktail after work and settling back for an hour of watching bored hosts give away money to extremely excited and confused people. Both Jeopardy and Wheel are so fast-moving, you don't have time to even understand the rules, but that's part of the fun. Especially when they go on location! Like why was Vanna in a wet suit at Sea World for a whole month? Jared is better at Wheel than I am, but I rule at Jeopardy.



I have loved Netflix long and well, but the on demand feature is amazing! I mean, I can watch terrible movies with just a click of the mouse!

So, faithful readers, don't let this nightmarish recession get you down. We at TIJA are always half-full, and for that we can be thankful.

PS. TNT & TBS are Mac Haters, so the shows that we love on those networks will receive no jizzes. BOOO!

Dr. Horrible's Jizz-Along Blog

Surprisingly sweet, funny, and with great music! Watch this. It includes Man Candy (Nathan Fillion), romance, and the always essential Neil Patrick Harris! Long live The Musical!

There's jizz for everyone!

Tolerance as taught by a scrappy lighthouse keeper, her new red-headed orphan friend, and a dragon. It just doesn't get any better than Disney in the 70's. Alicia and I definitely agree that Helen Reddy should have had a long prosperous career in film and musicals ala Julie Andrews, but maybe her accent wasn't cute enough?

Hugh Jizzman & The Oscars

Congratulations to Hugh Jackman for hosting the least boring Oscars ceremony I have seen in years, and yet still maintaining some dignity! I didn't feel cheated of my montages, and I loved the musical numbers.

There weren't too many major faux pas this year as far as dresses. I would have to say that the biggest Reverse-Jizz has to go to Reese Witherspoon. Sweetheart, I am all about taking risks, but did you look in the mirror? You could feel the collective gasp when she walked out on stage.


The biggest jizz of the evening goes to Penelope Cruz! Wow. A 60 year old dress, and she looked like a princess! There were some great dresses this year, and also some that didn't quite work - see Marisa Tomei (still can't believe you are 45), Kate Winslet (years of looking flawless, and you shanked it!), Ann Hathaway (although you were charming!) & Beyonce (worked that musical number, my friend!).



As for the men -

Robert Downey Jr. gets the big jizz for looking all clean shaven and successful with his pretty lady. Mickey Rourke got robbed, and he looked charmingly eccentric with the picture of Loki around his neck. Apparently, he had a tiny tuxedo made for Loki for the awards ceremony, but Loki died before he could wear it. Academy voters, I know that Prop 8 is an important issue, but have you no hearts?!



Most enthusiasm awards go, of course, to the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, and to Taraji P. Henson. I hope this makes all of your careers, you are adorable! And Danny Boyle, who is a little hobbit of joy.



All in all, a very enjoyable event. Short(er), snazzy, and I didn't fall asleep once! Kate Winslet, I am happy you won, but it is going to take you 4 washes to get whatever that is in your hair out. And, I must give tiny reverse jizzes of boredom to Angelina (despite your fabulous earrings) and Jessica Biel (seriously?!). I would have been more entertaining than the two of you put together. Academy, send TIJA tickets next year!

I have to put a gratuitous Meryl shot here. She is everything that I love about Hollywood - and she looked regal - great shoulders and neck, lovely color, and genuinely happy for everyone!


ETA:

Best Week Ever has the best liveblog ever!

michael cera and scott pilgrim

From Edgar Wright's blog

I don't think I need to tell you what just happened.

Eloping!

Take note, TIJA readers, let your friends throw you a kickass engagement party, disappear the day before, and return married! Everyone will celebrate you, and you will still get all the presents, but the wedding will be yours and yours alone. Sláinte, Daphne & Patrick!*


* - I would never give up my big white dress, though!

carpe jizz'am

Carpe Durham had a blogger party (holler!) last night at the Pinhook, complete with a taco truck! it was tons of fun to see people geek out over food, durham, and new bars downtown. this was good practice for SXSW!

Jizz Hamm!

O Jon Hamm, my admiration has turned to obsession.

When I first became aware of your awesomeness, I just called you Don Draper. Cool, calm, collected - smoking and drinking like a real man.
Suddenly, you are a celebrity. And now, I get to experience your scruffy adorableness, and self-deprecating humor that makes me wonder why it took Hollywood so long to find you!

this girl is a genius.

Burda World of Jizz

My subscription hasn't kicked in but this magazine is quite jizz-worthy. It's full of sewing patterns and yes all the models are SO EURO, but they have some pretty cute stuff in here. Two big jizz-covered thumbs up from kronic!

Bacon Jizzes on TIJA!

Want Bacon jizz on your blog?