Monday, February 26, 2007

The Academy Awards: The Jizzies

Watched The Oscars last night with Cooper and the ladies. We ate rice crispy treats and drank mimosas to sweeten the cruel banter and unforgiving judgment we offered on every aspect of the show from the red carpet to the long, long awaited finale.

Now for the awards you have all really been waiting for!

The Jizzies:

Reese Witherspoon - Reese! Congratulations! You win best dress of the night! It fit you, it was a color, and you looked fierce! Jizz salute!

Martin Scorsese - A big bullet hole jizz for Mr. Scorsese! The tears during the writer's speech, kidding around with Ellen, and a great speech! Also, I may look just like Marty when I get old, so I gotta support! Oh, and of course, The Departed was great!

Will Ferrell, Jack Black, John C. Reilly - A thank you jizz for making me laugh in the middle of what became a pretty dragged out affair. Extra skeet for singing about Helen Mirren and giving the camera another reason to show off her glory before she ruined it by a lackluster speech.

Reverse Jizz-ies:
B-level actresses who show up in their mid-90's prom dresses - this reverse jizz is for you Jessica Biel, you Anne Hathaway and for you Kelly Preston. I believe the consensus on Jessica Biel - after I stopped asking myself and anyone who would listen who freaking invited her - is that she looked like Ken Doll in a dress. Anne Hathaway has beautiful skin, nice hair, and is completely boring. Still, there is no excuse for lace and a bow in 2007. And Kelly, O Kelly. Leopard print. Really?

Jennifers - And by Jennifers, I am talking about J. LO and J. HUD. Now, I must give J. Hud some props with her speech. I didn't want to kill her like last time. But, sweetie, you have a glorious full-figure - don't tchotch it up with gold boleros AND pockets! Thankfully, she removed the little space jacket to win her award. J. Lo just needs to ditch the granny dress and bad wig and remember she has a personality.

All in all, an oscars with many jizzes. I enjoyed Ellen and the Dreamgirls melody - both not entirely causing jizz, but entertaining. Peter O'Toole - next year is your year - if your face doesn't melt off.

1 comment:

wordnerdy said...

thanks for this post! i got all the best and worst parts of the oscars and didn't even have to watch!